385 standing in the now


Still having a bit of a freakout over here, so focusing on the positives, on the things I'd like to see in the world, and on feeling comfort in the unknown. Really, everything is unknown, the whole future. All we have is right now. Ever.

Saw an old friend lost her sister on Sunday, she was a month younger than me. That's something I can't even begin to comprehend feeling, that level of loss. There is no quid-pro-quo of grief, but my suspicion is in this next phase of life, saying goodbye is going to be a fixture. How we handle it, that's the... Not test. Not lesson. What?

Next week I'm turning 50. It's kind of a big number. The last time I felt like I was hitting a big number was 30. The couple years leading up to 30 were a bit of a freakout, "what have I done with my life?" It lead to making a movie.

When I turned thirty, there was actually a huge sense of relief. What I realized was it wasn't an end, it was a beginning. And then it took me another five years to finish the damn movie.

40 came and went pretty easily. Milestones didn't seem so important, plus I'd just gotten married a couple years earlier, so maybe that ticked off some boxes.

50 is another one of these cliffhangers. I accomplished a lot in my forties, but I don't have much to show for it, at least asset-wise. It's a big number that says "old" and I'm looking at it with fear, with even a little shame. So many people I know have settled into careers, big paying jobs, stock options, home ownership, families. What do I have?

Compare and despair. 

So many people I know have had to go through divorce, shared custody, support payments, looking for work, siblings dying, health issues, and the daily stress of corporate jobs. 

Compare and despair.

Or, feel gratitude. I have no idea what my fifties will bring, but I'm hoping it will be a continuum of the rest of my life. What that will look like I guess is the fun part. My hope is that I continue to grow, and enjoy the world.


At top, the dogs made a friend on one of our morning walks up in the mountains. That big dog was wandering around earlier, then he showed up on our walk. Here's the crazy part: he was about two feet from me before I realized he was there. Which basically means just about any animal could sneak up on me pretty easily.

Just like life, I suppose.

After struggling for months to get two manuscripts off my tablet and onto Amazon, I gave up and used Deb's laptop to upload this file.

The problem seems to be with how Google Docs creates a Word .docx. Amazon's server kept rejecting the file, but the error message was broken, so I couldn't see why. We don't have a computer with MS Office on it (I have the discs, though!), so I tried importing the docx I made in Docs to Apple Pages, then exporting another .docx from there. And that worked. Amazon accepted the file, and I'm back in the publishing business. Go check it out, please.

This pretty much sums up 2016-20.

And beyond. Stay safe everyone. Mentally and physically. Spread love like you're asymptomatic.

Also, we have a date. June 15th.


Maybe.

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